To My Gaming Son ...

This morning, my son shared a YouTube video with me about "10 Things Gamers' Parents Need To Know".

Here's my response ...

Mom speaking here ... I'm pretty good with most of this, but I wish there were some things that gamers knew... My biggest is, dinner is served every night at roughly the same time,please don't start a new game or something that you can't walk away with before dinner.  No one likes cold dinner.  I haven't sat down since I got home from work, the least you can do is come to the table.  Periodically, I will let you eat at your desk, but that is not an everyday thing. Bedtime is bedtime, yes, I realize you can't pause.  No, I don't care if you get kicked from the game for a period of time.  I want to go to sleep also and 11 PM on a school night is too late, especially when I've said something every half hour for the past 2 hours.  So, if need be, I will happily sing a bedtime song right next to your mike.  I am not beyond making a fool of myself if it means you get the sleep you don't think you need. Please don't make me disconnect the modem.  My only time of relaxation is at night and I enjoy my Netflix. Love,  Mom

Mom Doesn't Know Best

Yet again, some parents are being investigated by CPS for ... allowing their children to walk go to the park alone.

This time the children are 6 and 10.

Six to me is young to being going to the park.  At the same time, this is something similar to what I've done.

A couple years ago, I would let my oldest son walk my younger son to his friend's house a few blocks away.  The deal was simple, he had to call as soon as he arrived and he had to call before he left so someone could come get him.  Fred was 10 and Thom was 8.

He wasn't allowed to cross the street alone.  My biggest concern wasn't someone snatching the boys.  It was a safe neighborhood.  Kids were always running and riding bikes around.  My biggest concern that because of Thom's height, a car may not see him.

When we were kids, in 1st and 2nd grade, we were allowed to go the park, and roam the neighborhood.  Our parents deemed it safe.  If we had lived in a different neighborhood that wasn't so safe, I don't doubt my parents would have said no.

Today, my mother watches the kids after school.  They are not allowed to play outside without supervision.  Emma has friends in the neighborhood, but still, she isn't allowed.  Emma is 8.  The reason is that she is afraid it isn't safe.

The world has changed.  Or rather, attitudes have changed.

Twenty years ago, you rarely heard about the things that happened two towns over, much less in another state.   Now, we constantly hear it.  We are inundated with it.

My aunt was a social worker in small town Pennsylvania.  I don't remember much about what she did, but I do remember from time to time having to go on a late night run to check on a report or neglect or abuse.  This type of thing happened then also.  Our world isn't safer or less safe.  We are more informed.  And, sometimes that knowledge does not add to better our lives, but instead hinders us and makes us fearful.

She knew a young man

Who since he was a tyke

Liked to dance and sing

He liked music so much …

He’d dance so much

He broke his bed

The house would shake

As the volume went up

He’d beatbox to his own music

Listening to it in his head

Making a world all through the sound

Though Momma would say,

“Quiet down now!”

She secretly smiled

At his strange sound

But they weren’t just sounds

And Momma knew

It was the music shining through

So sing and dance

And let the music play

Fill your world my young man

With the music of your own day

Autism Does Not Mean Stupid

My son Thomas has autism.

When Thomas was 3 1/2 years old he was diagnosed with "high functioning" classic autism.  I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, and I wanted to hold my baby tight and yell at the world that "He's still MY Little!"

Thomas was placed in a special pre-school class and received Speech Therapy for receptive and expressive language.  We found he had a number of sensory difficulties, and was especially photo-sensitive.  At one point when we lived in Virginia, he was a Project LifeSaver kid through the sheriff's department because of his wanderings.

Through everything, if anyone asked me what I liked best about Thomas, I would say "his heart".  There is something about the boy that makes your heart melt.  He loves everyone.  And, even if he can't necessarily stand to be hugged, you know he loves people.

But, through it all, Thomas was never not intellectually there.  He may vacate out into an absence seizure, or twirl a little and click his tongue.  He may emotionally seem a little closer to a child half his age, but he has always been so very smart.  At school, he moved from having an Individual Educational Plan (IEP) to having nothing while I fought to get him a 504 plan.  He received his 504 plan last year.  He needs extra time on tests, and has trouble with his ability to write legibly.  His short term memory can be a bit faulty, and he is very consistent about not remembering that he has homework too.  After all, the teacher didn't say "Thomas, you need to do pages 10, 11 and 12 tonight", she just said "Do pages 10, 11 and 12" not who was supposed to do them.

Something happened today.

Today, Grandma took him to school to meet his new teacher and find out where his classroom is.  Turns out, that the Thomman is not in a normal class this year.  He will not be with all the other "normal" mainstream kids this year studying along at what he consider's an easy pace.

No, Thomas has been moved to the 5th grade gifted class!

His most recent teacher recognized that this kid is smart! Not just run of the mill smart, but really very intelligent!  It doesn't matter if he does click his tongue in class, or needs extra time to write his work because it can be physically painful.  It doesn't matter that he has to wear tinted glasses to keep the room in shadows or that he needs his teacher to sign off that he actually has homework.

I am so proud of my son Thomas!

We'd have a special dinner for him tonight ... I was thinking ice cream and cake, but I know that would upset him and he'd say we skipped dinner.  So, looks like Mac-n-Cheese followed by a healthy serving of ice cream!

A Walk to the Park

The other day, I wrote about my son asking to stay the afternoon with his big brother and that the reason I wouldn't allow him to wasn't that I felt he could handle it but it was out of fear that I would be judged as putting my children in danger by allowing them to be kids and hang out together.  I am sure that more than a few people thought I was overreacting.  As parents, don't we know our kids best.  We would know if our kids were able to watch over themselves, fix themselves a sandwich and be safe.

Today, there was an article in the Orlando Sentinel about a mom who has been arrested for allowing her child to go to the park a half mile from home. (Florida Mom Arrested After Son Walked to Park)

Perhaps I wasn't just being paranoid about others views of parenting.

I live in Florida, and even this one caught me off.  You see, in Florida, not all districts bus kids to their local school if that school is within 2 walking miles from home.  Florida considers it safe enough to tell parents that their children can walk to school for 2 miles and across busy intersections with very few crossing guards.  Oh, and in case you are wondering, that includes kindergarten students.  I am not exaggerating on either.  We lived in Palm Beach County, one of the richest counties in the state of Florida, and the school district would not pay to bus kids.  In fact, we lived 3 houses east of the very busy Highway US1 and just under 2 miles from the elementary school (around 1 1/2 miles from the local middle school).  Every morning, the elementary kids would be driven to school.  Then, Fred, who was in middle school would take his bike and ride along and across US1, then again across Southern Boulevard on his way to school.  These are not empty streets.  This was in the heart of West Palm Beach and during the same hours that hundreds of commuters were on their way to their prospective jobs.

How is it that they can say, it is perfectly safe for your 5 or 6 year old to walk almost 2 miles to school, but it is not safe for them to walk a half mile (with a cell phone) to a local park to play with friends.  Seems like a double standard to me.  Or rather a bottom line economics.  It also gives very mixed messages to the parents and children.  How do I tell my 7, 8 or 9 year old that they can't go to the park to play because it's not safe for them to go alone that 1/2 mile, but that it is perfectly fine for them to walk a mile or more past the same park to go to school.

Wake up and let us parents be parents.  This mother judged her son to be responsible to walk and play with friends a shorter distance away than the school would have him walk to school. This mother provided her son with a cell phone to stay in touch.  If anything she was being responsible.

I guess my fear wasn't so unfounded after all.

   

Mom... Can I stay home today?

"Mom, can I stay home today by myself?"

"No, dear you cannot."

"Why not?  If there's a problem, I can go upstairs to [the neighbor]."

My son is 9 years old.  Next week, in fact is his birthday and he will be 10.

When we were kids it would have been nothing to stay home for a few hours at 10 by ourselves.  Many of us grew up coming home from school, fixing ourselves snacks, and hanging out with our friends until our parents came home from work.

Why is today so different from then?

Honestly, I know my boys and I feel that my 12 and 9 year old boys would be just fine for a few hours on their own.  I know that they wouldn't go anywhere, and that if there was a problem, that they would go right upstairs to our neighbor or they would call their grandmother or myself.  I can see it now, I'd come home to a sink full of dishes and the an open jug of milk will be left on the counter.

So, why don't I let them?  Why do I instead hover over and say, "Oh, no!"

I'll tell you honestly, it's fear.  Not fear of any trouble my boys may get into, but fear of losing them if I left them alone for an afternoon to watch over themselves.  Fear that even though I know I need to teach them how to take care of themselves and be responsible for themselves that I am not allowed to do just that.  I am not allowed to use my best judgment in raising my children.

Here we are, a society that says at 18, a child is magically transported to adulthood and needs to know, understand and be proficient at all the rules and responsibilities of being a grown-up.... yet, we are not allowed to teach our children what those responsibilities are.  We are not allowed to let them be kids and learn be on their own.  It's a slow process, not a fast one.  And, for me, I'm not talking about leaving him home all day, he just wanted an afternoon.  One afternoon to just hang out with just him and his big brother, doing brotherly bonding over computer games.  I know it, and still I have to say no.

Sorry, baby, Momma isn't going to let you  have an afternoon of boy-time with your brother because Momma doesn't have any desire to go to jail or risk having the state take you away.

Child's Play

I recently read the article Apartment Complex Bans Kids From Playing Outside about an apartment complex in California.  As a parent, I find this shocking.  I would understand this for "Adult Only" complexes, and definitely with playing in hallways and stairwells.  But, outside?

I have seen this also close to where I live in Florida.  My parents live in an apartment complex that has a lot of 2 and 3 bedroom units.  Recently, my mom told me that the kids were no longer allowed to play in the large courtyards when they visited.  I was shocked, especially since I was getting ready to move and was seriously considering the same complex.

My parents' complex was perfect for a young family.  Small "villa" style apartments.  Each group of apartments surrounding a courtyard.  Throughout the complex there are several of these groupings.  It is a beautifully maintained complex.  This was a complex that really was designed for families, but has evidently decided that they don't want them anymore.  Or rather, they don't want the young kids that need to get outdoors and play.

As a mother, I want my children to go outside and play.  I encourage it.  We have bikes and scooters, and other small outside toys to encourage getting out and being active.  I even have a little put-put golf set for them to play with outside.  We always pick up our outside toys after playing and put them away.

I understand no playing in hallways or blocking sidewalks.  I definitely understand teaching your children to be polite and courteous.  But, keep it real.  Children need to play.  That is, of course, unless we want to raise a generation of overweight children who don't know how to enjoy life without electronics.

Good parenting doesn't mean a perfect, quiet, neat child. One of the many things that comes with good parenting though is teaching our children respect and when they can and can't just cut loose.  It is important that children have a place that they can just be a kid.  Kids need to know that they can just let go and be a kid.  A great place for that is at home.