Mom Doesn't Know Best

Yet again, some parents are being investigated by CPS for ... allowing their children to walk go to the park alone.

This time the children are 6 and 10.

Six to me is young to being going to the park.  At the same time, this is something similar to what I've done.

A couple years ago, I would let my oldest son walk my younger son to his friend's house a few blocks away.  The deal was simple, he had to call as soon as he arrived and he had to call before he left so someone could come get him.  Fred was 10 and Thom was 8.

He wasn't allowed to cross the street alone.  My biggest concern wasn't someone snatching the boys.  It was a safe neighborhood.  Kids were always running and riding bikes around.  My biggest concern that because of Thom's height, a car may not see him.

When we were kids, in 1st and 2nd grade, we were allowed to go the park, and roam the neighborhood.  Our parents deemed it safe.  If we had lived in a different neighborhood that wasn't so safe, I don't doubt my parents would have said no.

Today, my mother watches the kids after school.  They are not allowed to play outside without supervision.  Emma has friends in the neighborhood, but still, she isn't allowed.  Emma is 8.  The reason is that she is afraid it isn't safe.

The world has changed.  Or rather, attitudes have changed.

Twenty years ago, you rarely heard about the things that happened two towns over, much less in another state.   Now, we constantly hear it.  We are inundated with it.

My aunt was a social worker in small town Pennsylvania.  I don't remember much about what she did, but I do remember from time to time having to go on a late night run to check on a report or neglect or abuse.  This type of thing happened then also.  Our world isn't safer or less safe.  We are more informed.  And, sometimes that knowledge does not add to better our lives, but instead hinders us and makes us fearful.

My Daughter Has An IPad

The economy today is horrific.  There is no denying it.  Families all over the country are finding themselves with little or no savings.  Most are only a paycheck or two away from homelessness themselves.

It seems that everyday I read another article online about another family online who is willing to be the brunt of an article.  They are willing to open themselves up to the criticism that they know will follow.  

Today's article (A Day in the Life of a Family of 6 Trying to Survive on Fast Food Wages)  featured in the New York Magazine is about a family in Texas.  Four of the family members work in fast food.  Dad is ill, Mom works two jobs, and two of the high school daughters also work.  They live in a small apartment.  

When I read these articles, I always take the time to look at the comments that people have left.  Inevitably there is the comments about having too many children.  What got me today was the other comments that are so common.  They have an iPod.  

Oh no!  How dare they have something for entertainment!

Take a step back now please... when was the last time you saw an iPod?  There aren't that many being used anymore.  Most of the iPods out there are old, many scratched up, and still many more sitting in a drawer doing nothing.  I know that a lot of people think that this family should take that little iPod and pawn it or sell it some other way.  For all of you out there, is the $10 or $15 worth it?  Is it worth to sell this trinket, a bit of normality and entertainment, for what wouldn't even amount to a family meal?

You see, my daughter has an iPad.  Not an iPod like this family, but an actual iPad.  It's a first generation one without any camera and most of the newer apps won't work on it because it can't be upgraded anymore.  Her iPad was a gift for her 8th birthday last September.  It's not the greatest and it dosen't always charge correctly, but she loves it.  

Last weekend I took her to the pawn shop with me.  She was going to trade in her iPad and with a few dollars savings that she had saved up wanted to get one with a camera.  They offered us $15 for her little iPad.  The next step up would be almost $200.  Needless to say, that was a lot more than this little girl of 8 had saved up and a lot more than Momma could afford to add to her savings.  She choose to keep her beloved iPad.  

I know that people question how I could possibly justify her having an iPad when I make barely over minimum wage myself.  I justify it simply as it gives her enjoyment.  They don't need to know that it was a gift or that selling it would only merit $15.  

My daughter sacrifices a lot already.  The five of us live in a two bedroom apartment.  The boys have a room and us girls share a room.  Only last month was I able to find a cot I could afford so that all three of us girls aren't sharing one bed.  Emma has her own bed again, it's a camping cot with some old couch cushions on it to make it a little more comfy.  She will lounge on it as if she's queen of the world with her precious iPad watching videos on YouTube or playing a game of MineCraft.  

Judge me if you will as you judge these families, but a $15 dollar dinner isn't worth it to me to take away a small luxury from my daughter.  

She's keeping her iPad, so go ahead and judge me like you do these other families.  It's okay.  I'm a Momma Bear, I can handle it.

I Am Not SuperMom

The other night I met a new neighbor.  Well, not really new, he's lived in the same complex as me at least as long as I have.  Still, it was the first time that I actually met him.

One of my "girls' upstairs decided to say hello to a neighbor in one of the buildings next to us.  Since I was with her, I got the opportunity to say hello and introduce myself as well.

He made a funny quip about there being an elevator between the upstairs and downstairs apartments in our building since we are all visiting each other constantly.  I suppose it must seem like that :)  We do have a great time enjoying each others company.

I said that I'm just the "crazy" downstairs neighbor with the four kids.  He called me "SuperMom".

Wow!  What a compliment coming from a stranger.  He's seen us all hanging out, seen me interacting with the kids and looks at me as being something more than just a nutty neighbor with a bunch of kids.

Thing is, I'm no SuperMom.

I'm just a mom, like thousands of other mothers out there.  I love my kids, try my hardest to do the best I can by them and try to maintain some semblance of myself as being more than just Momma.

SuperMom would be incredible, but her house wouldn't look like a tornado ransacked the inside, otherwise known as my darling daughter "Hurricane" Anika.  SuperMom's wouldn't ever loose her cool because she just stepped on a bunch of Legos that were left in the middle of the bedroom floor.  SuperMom would always have excellent well balanced meals that everyone sat nicely and politely ate at the table.

No, I'm not SuperMom, but I appreciate the compliment.

Green Living? Or, Just Making More Trash?

Greenies beware!

I am about to be a bit of a green snob.

I am so tired of everyone and all the publicity going towards buying "green".

Really, what does that mean, "buy green".  It means replacing something that you already have with something that is energy efficient and should have a lower carbon footprint.  In essence this sounds pretty great.  Good for the environment, and good for the economy.

Wait!  What did you just do with that old car you replaced?  You scrapped it?  But, wasn't it running just fine?  So, now that old car is going to sit in the junkyard.  Luckily, there are a lot of scrap yards that will then recycle as much as possible of the metal and other parts.

But, what about that shirt you just threw in the trash?  Or, the plastic ware?  What about that old garden planter?  Ah, yes, it is more "green" to use the biodegradeables, but what happened to the plastic planter?  It just ended up in the landfill.  Plastic does not biodegrade.  It's one of the wonder of the invention, and one of the horrors of it as well.

If you want to green up your driving, then there are other ways as well to do it without adding to the landfills and junkyards.  I love old cars, and there is no reason that an older car cannot be made more energy efficient.  Most deisels can run on biofuels, and many other vehicles can be retrufitted for so much less than buying a new car.

Clothing can be bought at resale and thrift stores for less while reducing your carbon footprint.  Not to mention, thift store clothes can be unique.  I know I don't like wearing all the same outfits as everyone else.

Next time you go to buy green, think about it.  Are you really buying green?  Or, are you just making more trash with what you are throwing away.

Findings - It's all in the "Picking"

I admit it.  I do it.  I'm a bit of a picker.

In the area of Florida that I live in, it is common for people to put out next to the dumpster or on their curb in front of their house, things that they don't want anymore.  Now, sometimes these are big pieces of furniture, but not always.

A lot of the time, it's other things, lamps, even dishes or a laundry basket full of shoes.

So, if I come across things, I may just pick them up.  To me, these are hidden treasures.  They make my home unique.  After all, how many people have hand painted tiles of beautiful Japanese ladies hanging on their wall.  It was a finding.  That's right, these beautiful tiles were sitting next to the curb, propped up against an old bookcase that someone was also not wanting anymore.  Needless to say, the tiles came home with me.  The bookcase did not.

I enjoy the search for treasure.  I never know if I will find something or not.  Days can go by, even weeks or months with no findings.  Then, all of the sudden.  It's a bonanza!

This past weekend, I found a really need bar table.  I knew the girl's upstairs were looking for one, and I found it!  I was so excited.  I took a picture and texted it to one of them.  She quickly sent her other half over to where I was with her truck and now it has a new home, along with a number of other decorating goodies.

So, next time you have something you don't want, don't throw it away.  If you don't want to donate to a local thrift shop, consider putting it out on the curb, you never know who may find it.

P.S.  Another good resource is FreeCycle.  They are a great group of people and are all over the country.  It's not picking and shouldn't be confused with it.  It's however a great way to recycle your clothes and other goodies around the house.

Responsibility is Learned

Responsibility is learned.  It's not something that we come by naturally.  

Recently, I had the opportunity to watch, listen and talk to three young women who had moved in together.  They all have a different take on living on their own.  Sadly, one of them has had to move out.  Why?  It wasn't just personality conflict which can come with roommates.  It came down to being responsible.  One of the girls had lost her job because she didn't show up for work and didn't call in.  She didn't really think anything of it, or the consequences of not getting a new job before she quit her job.  Within a few months after losing her job, her roommates became fed up with housing her and feeding her while she'd go out to bars dancing and partying.  

Now, from the perspective of the girl who lost her job, she felt she was looking.  In reality, she'd go out and get a bunch of applications, bring them home and too often they would sit there.  She'd apply for a job now and again, and even had a couple interviews. She wasn't contributing to the household. The other girls would get upset at her because they were working, buying food and cleaning house, while she was only occasionally job hunting, but going out several times a week dancing and drinking.   She'd come home, but she didn't clean house, she didn't buy groceries, but she did eat food that the girls who were working bought.

This young woman felt that as long as she tried (even if it was minutely), that there should be no consequences to getting fired from her job.  She felt that others should feed her, pay her rent, and she should be free to continue living her life as she wanted.  

Instead of stepping back and realizing that the world doesn't work like that. She never took a step back and thought of the fact that her roommates only made enough to support themselves and that they couldn't keep feeding her and cleaning up after her, while she took her time to find a job.  Instead, she put the whole household in jeopardy.   

Sadly, this now 22 year old young woman has to learn the hard way the lessons of responsibility.  It makes me wonder if she was taught that there are consequences to her actions as she was growing up.  If she was then it didn't stick.  

I wish her the best and hope that she is able to learn about responsibility.  

A Walk to the Park

The other day, I wrote about my son asking to stay the afternoon with his big brother and that the reason I wouldn't allow him to wasn't that I felt he could handle it but it was out of fear that I would be judged as putting my children in danger by allowing them to be kids and hang out together.  I am sure that more than a few people thought I was overreacting.  As parents, don't we know our kids best.  We would know if our kids were able to watch over themselves, fix themselves a sandwich and be safe.

Today, there was an article in the Orlando Sentinel about a mom who has been arrested for allowing her child to go to the park a half mile from home. (Florida Mom Arrested After Son Walked to Park)

Perhaps I wasn't just being paranoid about others views of parenting.

I live in Florida, and even this one caught me off.  You see, in Florida, not all districts bus kids to their local school if that school is within 2 walking miles from home.  Florida considers it safe enough to tell parents that their children can walk to school for 2 miles and across busy intersections with very few crossing guards.  Oh, and in case you are wondering, that includes kindergarten students.  I am not exaggerating on either.  We lived in Palm Beach County, one of the richest counties in the state of Florida, and the school district would not pay to bus kids.  In fact, we lived 3 houses east of the very busy Highway US1 and just under 2 miles from the elementary school (around 1 1/2 miles from the local middle school).  Every morning, the elementary kids would be driven to school.  Then, Fred, who was in middle school would take his bike and ride along and across US1, then again across Southern Boulevard on his way to school.  These are not empty streets.  This was in the heart of West Palm Beach and during the same hours that hundreds of commuters were on their way to their prospective jobs.

How is it that they can say, it is perfectly safe for your 5 or 6 year old to walk almost 2 miles to school, but it is not safe for them to walk a half mile (with a cell phone) to a local park to play with friends.  Seems like a double standard to me.  Or rather a bottom line economics.  It also gives very mixed messages to the parents and children.  How do I tell my 7, 8 or 9 year old that they can't go to the park to play because it's not safe for them to go alone that 1/2 mile, but that it is perfectly fine for them to walk a mile or more past the same park to go to school.

Wake up and let us parents be parents.  This mother judged her son to be responsible to walk and play with friends a shorter distance away than the school would have him walk to school. This mother provided her son with a cell phone to stay in touch.  If anything she was being responsible.

I guess my fear wasn't so unfounded after all.

   

Mom... Can I stay home today?

"Mom, can I stay home today by myself?"

"No, dear you cannot."

"Why not?  If there's a problem, I can go upstairs to [the neighbor]."

My son is 9 years old.  Next week, in fact is his birthday and he will be 10.

When we were kids it would have been nothing to stay home for a few hours at 10 by ourselves.  Many of us grew up coming home from school, fixing ourselves snacks, and hanging out with our friends until our parents came home from work.

Why is today so different from then?

Honestly, I know my boys and I feel that my 12 and 9 year old boys would be just fine for a few hours on their own.  I know that they wouldn't go anywhere, and that if there was a problem, that they would go right upstairs to our neighbor or they would call their grandmother or myself.  I can see it now, I'd come home to a sink full of dishes and the an open jug of milk will be left on the counter.

So, why don't I let them?  Why do I instead hover over and say, "Oh, no!"

I'll tell you honestly, it's fear.  Not fear of any trouble my boys may get into, but fear of losing them if I left them alone for an afternoon to watch over themselves.  Fear that even though I know I need to teach them how to take care of themselves and be responsible for themselves that I am not allowed to do just that.  I am not allowed to use my best judgment in raising my children.

Here we are, a society that says at 18, a child is magically transported to adulthood and needs to know, understand and be proficient at all the rules and responsibilities of being a grown-up.... yet, we are not allowed to teach our children what those responsibilities are.  We are not allowed to let them be kids and learn be on their own.  It's a slow process, not a fast one.  And, for me, I'm not talking about leaving him home all day, he just wanted an afternoon.  One afternoon to just hang out with just him and his big brother, doing brotherly bonding over computer games.  I know it, and still I have to say no.

Sorry, baby, Momma isn't going to let you  have an afternoon of boy-time with your brother because Momma doesn't have any desire to go to jail or risk having the state take you away.

Child's Play

I recently read the article Apartment Complex Bans Kids From Playing Outside about an apartment complex in California.  As a parent, I find this shocking.  I would understand this for "Adult Only" complexes, and definitely with playing in hallways and stairwells.  But, outside?

I have seen this also close to where I live in Florida.  My parents live in an apartment complex that has a lot of 2 and 3 bedroom units.  Recently, my mom told me that the kids were no longer allowed to play in the large courtyards when they visited.  I was shocked, especially since I was getting ready to move and was seriously considering the same complex.

My parents' complex was perfect for a young family.  Small "villa" style apartments.  Each group of apartments surrounding a courtyard.  Throughout the complex there are several of these groupings.  It is a beautifully maintained complex.  This was a complex that really was designed for families, but has evidently decided that they don't want them anymore.  Or rather, they don't want the young kids that need to get outdoors and play.

As a mother, I want my children to go outside and play.  I encourage it.  We have bikes and scooters, and other small outside toys to encourage getting out and being active.  I even have a little put-put golf set for them to play with outside.  We always pick up our outside toys after playing and put them away.

I understand no playing in hallways or blocking sidewalks.  I definitely understand teaching your children to be polite and courteous.  But, keep it real.  Children need to play.  That is, of course, unless we want to raise a generation of overweight children who don't know how to enjoy life without electronics.

Good parenting doesn't mean a perfect, quiet, neat child. One of the many things that comes with good parenting though is teaching our children respect and when they can and can't just cut loose.  It is important that children have a place that they can just be a kid.  Kids need to know that they can just let go and be a kid.  A great place for that is at home.